So This Is Us
by H.A.Lestrange
Summary: She grins in spite of herself as she tries to wrap her head around the fact that she's actually hearing the voice that had haunted her dreams over the last couple of years. Sam/Brooke. Femslash. Set 3 years into the future.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is some sort of a companion piece to "****What She Wanted****" and details the events leading up to that—and then some.**

**I wrote this over two years ago at the height of my Bram obsession and I'm only finding the guts to publish it now. *shrug* **

**Flashbacks in **_**italics.**_

**Not mine; don't sue. Also unbeta'd so everything is mea culpa.**

**Enjoy! Reviews are most welcome =)**

***o*o*o***

"_This is not what I wanted."_

"_This is not what I wanted Brooke, ok just stop."_

_Their hands touch for a fleeting second._

_She sees herself running after her through the restaurant's reception area. _

_She barely glances back at her, only vaguely shakes her head_

_"Brooke, wait! Stop! Just stop!" she calls out, reaching out to grab a slender arm._

_The blonde, seeming in a daze, barely even glances at her but only vaguely shakes her head and raises an arm out in a quiet attempt to dismiss her and her pleas._

_"Brooke...! NO!"_

_The next scene unfolds before her eyes in what seems to be snippets of a movie._

_Brooke stepping off the curb;_

_The Jaguar, tires screeching and headlights gleaming menacingly, appearing from out of nowhere;_

_Brooke turning around, her face eerily illuminated by the lights of the approaching vehicle;_

_And suddenly she is there;_

_She is barreling into Brooke, her hands pushing the taller girl by the shoulders;_

_And then, there was nothing._

_Silence._

_She hears, rather than sees, another scene unfolding._

_"That night I thought I've lost you…"_

_The voice is Harrison's._

_"I cannot believe how close I came to losing you. I can't ever stand the thought of losing you."_

_"Harrison-"_

_"Please, Brooke. Please. All I'm asking is for you to give this-us, a chance."_

_"I... I don't think...I don't know..."_

_"Brooke..." Harrison- pleading, imploring._

_Pause._

_"Kiss me. Kiss me Harrison." Brooke- softly, finally relenting._

*o*o*o*

She opens her eyes to find herself staring at the wooden panels on the ceiling. She licks her lips, her eyes begging to focus. A second later, the blaring ring tone of her mobile phone breaks through the stillness of the night and she jumps at the unexpected sound.

She turns to glare at the device perched on her nightstand, her eyes drifting over to the digital time display of the radio beside it.

"Dammit... At 2:45 in the morning?" exasperated, she grabs a pillow to cover her head with and drown out the offending ringing.

"Go away!" voice muffled through.

On the third ring, she reluctantly removes the pillow from over her head to grumble "Ooh, this better be good."

Reaching over, precariously dangling half of her body over the side of the bed, she picks up the phone and all but growled into it.

"Hello?"

"Sam...? Sammy is that you?"

She hadn't heard the voice on the other end of line for over two years except in her recurring dreams. It was like a bucket of cold water had unceremoniously been splashed on her sleep-deprived consciousness.

"It's Brooke-"

With a thud, she suddenly finds herself nose to nose with her carpeted floor.

"Hello? Sam, are you there?"

She hears the words, teeny yet still so distinct, coming from the phone still clutched in her right hand.

"Oh shit." She struggles to free herself from the tangle of sheets wrapped in impossible twists around her torso and legs. Finally able to sit herself up on the floor, she leans against the bed to stare incredulously at the phone in her hand.

"Sam, are you ok? Can you hear-?"

"Yeah...yes…ugh. Hello? I'm ok, I'm good."

Pause.

"Sammy...That IS you, isn't it?" She hears the smile in the voice.

The breath catches in her throat as she hears the voice call her by the familiar term of endearment.

"Brooke-?" she's still breathless, momentarily dazed.

"Sam... Hey." The voice was almost a whisper.

A half-smile grudgingly makes its way through her features.

"Hey yourself," she smirks.

"To what do I owe this pleasant surprise at-" she glances at the radio, "2:46 in the morning?"

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, did I wake you?"

She grins in spite of herself as she tries to wrap her head around the fact that she's actually hearing the voice that had haunted her dreams over the last couple of years.

True, it was her who instigated the distance; it was HER who had changed her number more times than she could ever count; and it was HER who had maintained communication only through short, brief emails. SHE wanted to be away. She needed to and almost up until that very moment, she had thought that she had almost moved on.

"Hardly; I was in the middle of a wrestling match with my sheets and the distraction had been very much welcome- I was losing."

From the other end of the line, she hears the familiar laugh. So achingly sweet in its familiarity, she feels her heart constrict.

"You know I make an awesome tag team partner."

"Yep, you do."

Silence.

"So...How have you been, Sammy? What've you been up to?" she hears the slight hesitation.

And she can't help the biting sarcasm from creeping in.

"Oh, you know, stuff: college; the paper...normal stuff. And normally, I'd be asleep at 2:46 in the morning."

A sigh.

"I'm sorry; I should call at a later time."

"Oh…No, it's ok...I mean, I..." she falters.

"But then again, you'd probably have changed your number by then."

"Brooke, c'mon, it's not like that..."

"Then tell me what it is, Sam."

"I..."

"Sam, do you have any idea what you've been putting all of us through for the past two years?"

The words were unexpected but not spoken in any other way but quiet resignation yet Sam finds herself bristling.

"Was there anything you needed Brooke? Or did you just call at, oh, 2:30 in the morning to make me feel guilty over how you have all been inconvenienced by your inability to reach me? Isn't there anybody else you can all blame your inabilities on other than me?"

She knows the moment the words left her mouth that they were truly uncalled for. If truth be told, SHE needed somebody else to blame hers on.

Her words are met by another moment of silence on the other end.

Leaning her head against the side of her bed, she gulps, and takes a deep breath.

"Look, Brooke...I'm sorry...I didn't mean it that way..."

She hears her sigh again, "That was a bit unfair."

"I know. I'm sorry I… I didn't mean that." she runs her hand aimlessly through her hair.

"Neither did I... I didn't mean to say what I said and for it to sound the way it sounded- oh god, did you get that? I mean, yeah, I'm sorry I sounded, I don't know… you know...But we just..."

Brooke was rambling, which she finds rather amusing.

"...I just..."

She hangs on to every word.

"I'm just so glad to hear your voice again," the words are breathed out almost in a rush.

*o*o*o*


	2. Chapter 2

_They have always been bitter rivals, neither able to stand the other._

_That is until the walls between them have started to form cracks after what must have been hundreds of hesitant attempts at friendship. An extended hand, a shy smile, a teasing jibe, a shared joke, a warm hug—it all added to the inevitable force that ultimately brought all the walls to come crumbling down towards the start of their junior year. _

_They've managed to become friends and as they continued to spend more time together, get to know each other, both had begun to accept the other as a part of their lives. It was a long and painful process, punctuated by not too little bickering and fragile truces. _

_She could not quite understand it at that time, but every time they were on the brink of falling back into their former fighting ways, they always seemed to manage to hold on to each other. _

_SHE was aware of her efforts and was heartened by the fact that she noticed the blonde was also putting in as much as she was into their blossoming friendship._

_She was flattered upon reaching that realization and to some extent, at that time, it scared her. _

_Then Prom happened._

_And, not quite surprisingly, Harrison chose Brooke._

_Brooke relented._

_And Sam, confused, felt her heart break into a thousand pieces._

_Eventually, the pieces picked themselves up to form the foundations of the walls rebuilding around her again. _

_She endured through the remaining of their junior year; constantly having to try to ignore the uncomfortable ache she felt as she almost always unwittingly found herself in the presence of the loved-up couple. _

_Morbidly, however, she refused to distance herself- somehow hoping, deep inside, that the ache caused by seeing the two together—however it baffled her, will eventually numb her heart until she would no longer feel the pain. _

_Till the pain would no longer confuse her._

_Senior year was a bit easier on her._

_Nicole had long since left the country to exile herself in some faraway, exotic, never-before-heard island somewhere in the Pacific. Mary Cherry, enjoying her freedom from the tyrannical grasp of the former second-in-command, was content enough to not bother her- not that the Texan didn't go around with one impossibly crazy stunt after another—but at least she was no longer a target of any of them._

_Lily and Carmen had been her source of relief through the whole year. They were always available to get together with her whenever she just had to leave the house on the occasions Harrison was over. Most times, the pain of hearing Harrison and Brooke laughing in the living room downstairs became too much for her to bear._

_Neither of her best friends ever showed any indication that they noticed the internal battle she was waging with herself. If they did, she was thankful they never brought it up. They were used to her walls after all—a lifetime of friendship had done that. And they might have also resigned to the fact that they were not in the position to even try to crack it. The one person they knew who had actually been able to break through to her was the same one who had pushed her to rebuild it—albeit this time sturdier._

_It was on one of her many sleepless nights midway through their last year at Kennedy, months after she had overheard that conversation between Harrison and Brooke, that she suddenly realized the cause of all her pain._

_The realization finally allowed her to accept it: She was hopelessly, desperately, completely in love with Brooke McQueen._

_Feeling finally at peace with her feelings, she attempted one last time to bridge the gap that had grown between her and the cheerleader over the last year or so._

_As much as she loved Brooke, she knew the battle for her affections was not one for her to engage in. _

_What was the point anyway?_

_So she extended, for what she knew to be the last time, her hand in friendship; and as the other's hand reached back to touch hers, she resigned to the finality of it. _

_She knew, and understood; friendship was all the blonde could ever offer her. She took what was offered her; and gave back what was expected of her._

_But being that close to the blonde broke her a little bit each day._

_So as the first leaves of autumn that year fell, she let go and finally left._


	3. Chapter 3

"Can we re-start this conversation? Like re-do it over or something?" Brooke's voice cut through to her reverie.

Chuckling to herself, she can almost imagine the other girl twirling a strand of blonde hair around a finger as she speaks. "Oh, ok. How about you call me again?"

"You mean you want me to call you back a little later today?"

She rolls her eyes.

"No. I'm gonna hang up now, go back to bed, wrestle with my sheets, then you call me again in a minute."

She hears her giggling silently on the other end. Her heart swells.

"But that's silly!"

"You said you wanted to re-do this conversation—so we'll re-start it then."

"You're not gonna be changing your number?"

"Come off it, Brooke!'

"Are you gonna pick up?"

"'course I am!"

"If you don't?"

"That would only mean my sheets had managed to knock me out."

Fifteen minutes later, Sam is laughing uncontrollably on her bed as she listens to Brooke recount the first time Mike had attempted to change little Mac's nappies.

The conversation is flowing between them; neither intentionally dwelling on the fact that it had been three years since they actually last spoke with each other. Sam is savoring the easiness of talking, laughing, joking with Brooke. In those fifteen minutes, she begins to feel alive again.

"So needless to say, I often get stuck with changing duties since then!" Brooke finishes.

"That…was…hilarious!" Sam manages between bouts of laughter.

"You know what else I think is hilarious?" Brooke is laughing with her.

"Oh god! No more! Please!" she manages, still in stitches.

"Yeah, well _this_ is hilarious- Harrison asked me to marry him."

The laughter freezes in her throat.

"He asked me a week ago, and I- and well, you—"

To her, it is like hearing her voice from the other end of a very long tunnel.

"Sam," the laughter is no longer in Brooke's voice. "I wanted you to be the first to know…"

Her jaw slackens and her hold on the phone loosens.

"Sam?"

"Sam…say something… please." The voice implores.

Finally steeling herself, she squares her shoulders and grasps the mobile phone tighter. She is stronger than this. Two years of resolve will not be thrown away in vain.

In a voice she hardly recognizes as her own, "Well- congratulations, Brooke."

Silence.

"Is that all you're going to say?"

Steel wraps itself like a coil around her heart.

"Ok," she proceeds, deadpan. "Brooke, I am jumping up and down on the bed, inwardly squealing because, well, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it would be rude to wake the neighbors up, and you know, I am dancing around in excitement, with a wide, delirious grin on my face, and yay! I am congratulating you. Yay. Happy?"

More silence.

"Why do you do that, Sammy?"

The question catches her off-guard.

"Why do I do what?"

"That."

"What?"

"_That_."

"What is-_this_?"

"Just…_that_."

"This has got to be one of the most stimulating conversations I've ever had in a long time."

She hears the frustrated sigh on the other end of the line.

"Why do you always turn so cold on me?"

Flustered, she sputters "What? What do you-? I don't-"

"Yes. You do." Brookes' voice is a little louder now. "Like senior year…we were good, we were doing really good…I thought we were finally actually treating each other the way…step-sisters should…we were friends, weren't we, Sam? Then…then you…just…left…

"Why do you always seem to turn me away? For as long as I can remember I have reached out to you, and each and every time, you turn me away. Why?"

"Telling me you're getting married hardly constitutes as 'reaching out'," she grumbles.

"What?"

She pretends not to have heard her, "How can you say I always turn you away? You don't know how I feel, Brooke—"

"No, _don't _say that, Sam," Brooke's voice was barely above a whisper but it never wavered. "I have been willing to ride your roller-coaster for the better part of my life, and I am not going to have you tell me that I don't know how you feel. I was right there with you, Sam. You were just too caught up in your own little world to notice or care!"

She is seething now. "Oh, were you? Really, Brooke?"

"I felt it, Sam. I felt it as if I was right there with you," Brooke's voice somehow seems suddenly tired. "God, it was one hell of a ride. I knew when you were happy. I felt your warmth and I felt the glow around you."

She has nothing to say to that.

"I felt… I felt your uncertainties too," Brooke continues, almost in wonder. "Those first months we were trying to be friends…I _felt_ every glance you seem to throw my way. When you smiled shyly at me... I felt your frustration every time we break a truce and fight…and then we make up and are friends again, and I feel you happy again"

She hears Brooke gasp, "Then you…I…the prom…we…"

"Brooke…" her breath catches in her throat. She knows what is coming next.

"All of a sudden…I didn't feel you as much anymore. You were so…far away…"

"No," she attempts sarcasm, "well, I wasn't really."

"Maybe not, but I lost you, Sammy. I couldn't feel you anymore. Why?" again the voice on the other line whispers. "Why did you pull away from me?"

Suddenly, she is tired of having to pretend.

She bows her head, the tears she had been holding back for three years attempting to wash over her, choking her.

"I… I had to…"

"Why?" she hears the confusion in the other girl's voice.

"Because it hurt…It hurt too much..."

*o*o*o*


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is some sort of a companion piece to "****What She Wanted****" and details the events leading up to that—and then some.**

**I wrote this over two years ago at the height of my Bram obsession and I'm only finding the guts to publish it now. *shrug* **

**Flashbacks in **_**italics.**_

**Not mine; don't sue. Also unbeta'd so everything is mea culpa.**

**Enjoy! Reviews are most welcome =)**

***o*o*o*  
**

_She found herself yet again glancing over at the slumped figure on the armchair across the room. Long legs were tucked beneath her, her right arm on the back of the seat with her head resting on the palm of her hand. She was angled towards the television, her eyes focused on the movie. But she knew better; she knew that she must be deep in thought based on the way her tongue restlessly played around in her mouth, the way her smooth forehead was creased in a slight frown._

_And she wondered what she must be thinking about. Again, she found herself holding back a sigh at the thought for what must have been the umpteenth time that afternoon._

"_Are you getting tired, babe?"_

_She dazedly turned her attention back to Harrison. She felt his hand stroking her left shoulder as he pulled her closer. For the past half hour, they had been lounging on the couch, his left arm around her, cuddling her, as they watched the movie Sam had been "watching" when they came in the living room. _

"_Mind if we join you, Sammy?" she had asked when they found her reclined on the couch._

_She barely looked up as she shrugged, "Suit yourselves."_

_She had seated herself beside Sam as Harrison settled himself on her other side, his left arm almost immediately encircling her as he makes himself comfortable._

_Sam had stood up abruptly, went around the coffee table, plopped herself on the armchair across from her, and assumed the position she had been in for the past half hour. She had barely said a word; barely even so much as glanced at them._

_Finally letting out the sigh she had been holding back, she gently put some distance between herself and Harrison. "I'm really not getting the movie." _

"_Brooke, baby, it's an Adam Sandler movie. What is there to get?" Harrison grinned at her. "Are you getting bored, we can always go back to my place, Mom said she'd be picking up some stuff and won't be back till before dinner."_

_That should have at least perked her up a bit- hell, she hadn't even noticed the obvious drop in her mood- but it didn't._

"_Well…" she began._

_Sam stood up again. Her eyes immediately flew to the girl putting her hoodie on._

"_That was a really stupid flick. I'm gonna go, you guys go ahead and watch whatever."_

_At that, the other girl left the room. Her eyes drifted back to the armchair Sam had been in with a slight frown. It seemed lately that that was all she had been seeing of her— her back as she turns and leaves._

_It wasn't always that difficult. _

_Well, it used to be, considering at the beginning they were all but lashing at each other's throat every chance they had. _

_But she liked to think that they have been able to make some serious inroads in their relationship over the past year. They had begun to be genuinely nice to each other, the cat fights had been toned down to occasional bickering, and arguments had minimized to almost non-existence. They had been hanging out more often, and she had actually begun to feel they were actually becoming real friends._

_In fact, I can even allow myself to believe that her friendship means a lot more to me than all of my other so-called friends' combined._

_Now, Sam seemed too distant. Where had they gone wrong?_

_Oh psh! I should know; it was my 'brilliant' idea in the first place._

_She still could not figure out what urged her to bring it up. It was not like she ever really wanted Harrison for herself, did she? No, before the prom, she had never even seriously contemplated on having Harrison as a boyfriend. What was it then? Surely, whatever it was, it could never have been worth losing Sam like this._

_That night, she looked up from the line of text she had been reading when she heard the faint knock on her door from their shared bathroom. She frowned, confused, as she unexpectedly felt her heart thump just a little bit faster in her chest. _

_She swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, "Yeah? Come in!"_

_The door slowly opened and she saw her peek in with a sheepish look on her face. "Hey, you got a minute?"_

_Unceremoniously flinging the book she had been reading to the floor, she grinned. "For you, Sammy, I've got a whole day."_

_Chuckling softly, Sam made her way over to her bed and gingerly sat at the foot of it, a few feet over from where she was leaning against the headboard._

"_Listen," Sam was inspecting her bed sheets, fingers playing idly with the fabric. "I…know I haven't really been too good lately…"_

_She couldn't help saying, bemused, "You might wanna elaborate on that…"_

_A breath escaped soundly from Sam, and a reluctant smirk tugged at the corners of her lips. She looked up to meet her gaze finally. What she saw in the brunette's eyes took her breath away. There were so much emotions swirling, dancing within the pools of her chocolate orbs._

_She stared back entranced, captivated. _

_All too soon, Sam looked away._

"_Sammy?"_

_The girl before her kept her gaze on the sheets beneath her palms. "Brooke, I just wanted to say…"_

"_Look at me."_

_Sam brought her head up with a slight smile on her face._

"_I just wanted to say I'm sorry," she bit on her lower lip. "I've been such an ass lately. And I really have no explanation for my actions, so I'd like to ask you not to request for any because I really, really don't. I'd like to think that I do, but I really don't at the moment. And I…well-"_

_Sam sighed a little. _

"_I missed you. I don't know what I was thinking. I hit myself over the head now for being selfish when I can see you are obviously very happy with… with… this."_

_She scooted over closer to Sam, placing her right hand lightly against the small of the other girl's back._

"_I'm certainly not happy that we've barely spoken with each other for over six months," she leans forward to hesitantly rest her chin on Sam's left shoulder. "And this…thing…with Harrison is…nice. If that's what you meant."_

_Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her lick her lips. "You are happy, aren't you?"_

_She threw her a sidelong glance. "Are we friends again?"_

_A slow smile formed on Sam's lips. "In a manner of speaking."_

_She turned her face towards her, her face now only inches away. "Then yes—Yes, I'm extremely happy."_


End file.
